i have been avoiding reading and writing all summer, and i'm a bit embarrassed about it. i have touted writing as my go-to in terms of how i process and heal, and in a summer of proclaimed healing and resting from the tough school year that ended in June... it seems like i'm avoiding something. i'm circumventing hard truths right now, i realized in therapy last week, and intentionally not-writing so that i do not look at myself in the mirror.
now seems like a good time to unpack that, and i'll start with this: there is going to be unprecedented school staff shortages in the fall/next month. programs will close, departments will shift, schools will shutter, lots of things will shift to virtual, which is a hierarchy in the quality and personal attention of public education. the institution of public schools is in the process of ending, and what it will become is what so many Republicans have been working toward for the past two decades of my life and work: voucher systems, private charters with no accountability, an exacerbation of the school-to-prison-pipeline which places our Black and Brown students online to self-navigate through computer correspondence courses, and calls that an education. segregated schools have never left our national ideology, we know this.
i don't know what this means for me. how long can i exist inside of a toxic system that does not want to see young people as human beings with aspirations, goals, lives to build? i want to work in a place where my contributions are valued, truly, not with awards and vague understanding of what i do, but in a way that uplifts our community, empowers our young people and encourages them to build long and lasting relationships with teachers, friends and family as they grow and understand themselves.
we need to address the violence that has taken so many young people in our community. how COVID-19 has ravaged and set grief upon our families at an even more accelerated rate. how poverty and houselessness have impacted us. we need to have spaces to process, grieve collectively and work toward healing, share resources and hold each other up. this has always been my goal in working within schools: to use my location to positively impact the community, but it must extend beyond the schoolhouse to families and the community. if we teach restorative practices at school, but they learn something different at home, who are they going to trust? and why should they trust the school at all?
i don't know what's next. i do know that i've begun to put into the universe what i want, that i've spent time building relationships with other circlekeepers who i deeply value and respect, and that my love for my work is reaffirmed whenever i have the opportunity to be in circle with others. i had such an opportunity this morning and i'm convinced it's the reason why the words are flowing out of me now. i have to stay open, and willing to connect with others. but grief and healing is really hard and ugly work, and i have to commit to it, for myself, for my children, for my students, for my husband and family and friends. i need to be the best version of myself, and that begins with taking the time to rest, to unpack, to resolve, to heal, to dance and locate joy wherever life will bring it.
also, there is so much pain in our community, and i must heal myself so that i can help others be able to navigate their pain, and provide resources and empowerment to parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles just like i have tried to do with students over the past 20 years (and will continue to do with young people, no matter what path i walk). real healing work does take the whole hood, and United Playaz continues to inspire as i figure out the next way forward to a Better Me, and a Better Us. our young people deserve it, as does each member of our beloved community.
