Saturday, April 11, 2015

writing that dream down (BAL Blog Post #9)

I have been a bad teacher this spring break, in that I haven't done that much work.  One of the most difficult things about my job sometimes is that the work continues to pile up, but this stretch off I need to attend to the other facets of my personality: myself as a human, myself as a mother, myself as a wife.  Do you ever find it difficult to juggle the responsibilities you have?  This is one thing I think about as I get older -- how many selves am I?  How do people learn to balance all of the different demands that life has for them?  I hope that I figure out the answers to these questions someday.

I have never pretended to be perfect: I am as imperfect as they come.  But even though I feel that I mess up on a daily basis, I am still deserving of happiness.  What "the dream" is has shifted over the course of my life.  I wanted to be successful, as in have my writing published and my expenses covered by a benefactor when I was younger.  Then my focus shifted to activism, to feminist and womanist thought, to queer politics and riot grrrl, zines and emo rock, then back to hip-hop and consumerism.  I was challenged by a college friend to finally realize my dream of becoming a teacher in 2007.  That's a fun story, ask me sometime.

I never wanted to get married or have kids.  I thought that teaching would be enough fulfillment, that I would have my students, colleagues, family and chosen family to guide me through the ups and downs of life.  I was upset that others looked upon my life as "incomplete" if I chose not to marry or bear children.  However, life had secrets in store and I am often a passenger in fate's vehicle.

I never wanted to be an adult - do adult things like buy cars or houses.  I wanted to travel the world (and still do) with few possessions, learn language and art forms, drums and dances of cultures on peaks and in valleys of remote world-corners.  Suddenly, I am thinking of interest rates and retirement funds, saving for a down payment, things I never thought I'd see myself go for.  Have I fundamentally changed over time, or have my dreams changed?

Just yesterday I was talking about buying property with a barn, so that we can have livestock and host parties, so that my DJ retirement plan can come to fruition as my husband caters his astounding food in a farm-to-table venue.  Where did this dream come from?   This is far from my original desire to live in a brownstone in Brooklyn and publish words about the Q train for volumes of best-selling chapbooks.

What happens when the dream shifts?  When you're not who you thought you were, or you want something different from what you swore on before?  Do your dreams stay the same when you change?  Tell me your dreams.  Tell me your diamonds.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

loooovvvee this! I find myself thinking of the same things literally all the time. Since I could talk i've always wanted to be a surgeon, live lavishly in the upper east side in NYC with a powerful (and rich) husband by my side and not a care in the world. I'll go to brunch with my closest friends and have mimosas midday on my days off. Yoga to relax myself, and an amazing mansion to call home. A dream that I still work hard to achieve today, but this dream fades into the thin air as the days go by. I found myself in a twisted love affair with the simple things in life. The nonstop laughter at 2AM with your better half, breakfast in the morning with a group of friends after a long night out, being content with being around inspiring people that match my soul rather than people well educated
with money. Visions of a mansion in NY and high heels to work transitioning to a descent house in Florida and sneakers to work. I think this is happening because I slowly found myself and I think you do change as a person when your dreams shift. Your mind longs for a dream that once was but your soul is in sync with a different one, as your dreams change you become more of what you are rather than what you want, its the inevitable.
- Janée Ciara.

William B said...

I always loved the game of basketball but didn't really have a passion for the game till like the midway point of last year. Now achieving my dream to go to the NBA is all that I think about all of the time. I never see this dream of mine changing and work hard to achieve this goal in my life every single day.

Unknown said...

I believe everyone has challenging obstacles they face. Like its hard for me to be a good student, baby sitter , son to my mother & brother to all my sisters. But my dream is to be legitimately happy & provide every essential things for my family and loved ones. My dream job is to help manage a organization where im changing peoples lives for the better so i can look at the impact i had on certain people.

Unknown said...

I actually don't think your dreams change as you get older unless is something that you really always wanted to do when you was little for me my dreams have always been the same. i think that your dream is what you make it so as long as you follow it you will concur it.Sometime dreams are just dreams not everyone become what they imagined in there dreams. sometimes they just don't come true by the time you want it. sometimes you just gotta take time and wait sometimes till your time comes and you'll concur it.

Adama said...

My dream was to be go to college and study for medica. I specifically wanted to be a pediatrician. All that changed when i go to 10th grade and decided it would be too much work and pressure for me. So i decided i wanted to do something a little bit more simple. So with that i decided from now on that when i go to college i would study to be a therapist.

Mohamed T said...

Life is all about change and as humans we must evolve to become better in every way possible. At first you may have a goal that your set on, but throughout your life you find changes in your path which changes your dreams and goals

Unknown said...

my dream has changed a lot when i was kid because has you grow up you got to face reality till who you really going to be.

Anonymous said...

when i was younger i wanted to be a doctor any kind really as long as i was helping others, id live a comfortable life with two beautiful children, a loving husband just the ideal family with the white picket fence, as i got older my dream of having a family and being a doctor started to switch i now see myself as a successful lawyer in calli still living comfortable bc i have never desired to have more money than i need, i feel like when your dreams change it isnt always you settling its you growing as a person, your mind set changing, and your perspective of the world widening.
-melodie gotay

leo said...

life is hard its self but we all can go threw it if you try your best. your goals are going to change because you are changing its either for good or bad.
my self i've been going threw a lot of things and sometimes i even forget that if its worth even living because there 2 persons that expect different things from me even if im just in high school but i just cant control two or 5 things at once but once i say those words they hate me and that's what hurts the most and that's what crushes my dream.

christopher E said...

I always changing dreams because i look how they going to effect my future, the people around me, my main dream and also my life style.But you choose what u want or what you don't want because you control yourself. In addition people choose their dreams according how they view it and others.

Chante said...

When I was a little girl my dream has always been to be a lawyer, always imaged myself staying in court trying to get my client to win his case, but then after a while i started to not to want to be a lawyer. At the age of 13 i started to hang around my sister when she was pregnant and started to like being around kids and then i wanted to be a pediatrician only because i loved kids and i wanted to take care of them and make sure they are okay. If i continue to put my mind to it i believe that i can go to college and accomplish my dream.

Onajah said...

From a ripe age of 10 or 11, I've always wanted to be a psychiatrist or a therapist. I have a love of helping people and being the person to help them understand why they do the things they do. I don't ever see my dream changing because I feel like this was something I was destined to become.

Anonymous said...

my dream has stayed the same. i always fell in love with performing arts. i was raised around the stage, raise around music, dancing, acting, musicals. as i get older i will love to be a performer but to achieve this goal is going to be difficult. its very difficult to be on stage and do what you love but i do it every year. i also want to travel the world. see whats there for me. to see if there a life and a culture that i will love. but most importantly my dream is to once again have a smile in my face. i smile everyday but in the inside my bundle of joy is locked in a jail cell. the only time im happy is when im around my friends or my cast members and i just want to be happy everyday even when life is hard. my dreams will be come true and i will make sure of it. it just takes one step to become and to be able to get what you want in life.
- Yulidal HernandezKin

Justin C. said...

Well there are many dreams that people have both when their awake, and asleep and i believe both are very well possible; but generally only one is available for your life as you only have one. unless you decide to pursue many dreams which is relatively difficult, and costly. I want to be an astronaut as I've always had an insane interest in astronomy and understand it really well but I know due certain limitations this will be very near impossible which is why i say although dreams change or people must make rough decisions to be successful. To enjoy life those who try will still try to achieve this dream to make it a reality as we all desire or true happiness.

Sarank Diakite said...

yes i do believe that people change their dream and choose different dream in life. i remember when a person was not who she said she was. my dream will be the same and my dream is to be a doctor.

Unknown said...

When the dreams shift, it turns your life. For example when you dream about who you want to be when you grow up is your dream but when you go to sleep you see yourself in another dream of a job that you also dream for as well. So that is when your dream shifts. Dreams are like almost a changing course of your life based on what you are sleeping of. Its almost like if your dream is shifting then your future is shifting as well. I want something different from what I swore on before because maybe I want to try something new. My dream as being an MTA conductor stay the same. That is my dream because I know all the subway lines throughout the city and also they get a lot of money. I can also help out people with the directions and subways a lot because that is my dream to be. That is my destiny.

Luz Al. said...

Dreams never go away they are always there no matter of what happen if you change who you are you are going to have those same dreams. The only thing that changes is the way you represent them and the importance you give to it.

Anonymous said...

Dreams to me are little goals we have when we are kids, I remmeber being a kid I always loved the idea of defending people who could not defend themselves, so I always wanted to be a lawyer however as I grew older life just hit me so hard that I was blinded from seeing my dreams. I use to be a serious student who will cry when she got a 98% which was hardly because I was an A student, and my goal was to stay that way for a long time. However things changed I grew up and experienced lots of difficulty in my life and stopped caring. Now I barely care about what I get on a test, who leaves my life, who joins it, who past away, who lives. I feel like I have a dream but I'm just at the point where nothing strikes my attention anymore. My mom wants me to be a surgeon I know I can do it everybody thinks I can cause my family has lots of people in the medical field and those who aren't well you just don't know about them. But I think I have more time to decide or to wake up one day and just be the little girl I use to be. So I'm not stressing I'm living every moment at a time.
-Alice

Linda. O said...

I believe that some dreams are the same no matter what but some are just said so when you grow you begin to realize what you like to do and what you don't.
My dream stays the same no matter what the condition is because i feel that those are the basics of life

Gloria Garcia said...

I feel that around your high school years you start asking yourself : What's my dream? Who do I want to be? Who do I want to inspire? It's around these years when you start understanding yourself better. Dreams change a lot throughout time, it's normal. In my point of view dreams start to change when you start seeing the reality on things, as you grow up and mature.

Katherine said...

I believe that once you dream of becoming somebody someday, that dream will stay with you. Regardless if you’ll achieve that dream in short or long run. Well, for me, no matter what your career will be, may it be your dream or not, as long as you're happy with it, it's surely is the best choice to with for a while. :)


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