Sunday, January 17, 2016

livejournal and diaryland

in 1998, i began writing zines.  i miss it so much. not long afterward, i started blogging.  writing out long, cryptic journal entries.  my diaryland has been called "my heart has hit ground zero" since 1999, before "ground zero" was an American thing, and it remains my secret diary.  with no audience, i love the public privacy it affords me.  not that anyone will necessarily want to read my writing after i am gone, but it will all be there as long as archives still exist.  i wish i had all of the entries written down.

there is something i love so much about paper, that blogging can't capture.  don't get me wrong, i love blogs, teach podcasts, use prezis, am constantly trying to teach new skills with regard to technology.  i am no guru, but i like to be aware of some of the tech things.  but, as a i get older, i also crave privacy more.  i don't want to put everything i know and own out there into the world.  having a voice in zines was about making connections with people, but now i need to tend to my connections, love and nurture them, instead of consistently adding more.  i want fewer friends, of quality, and the circle will always be drawn large, but my life is very social by nature of being a teacher.  sometimes i want calm and quiet.

the truth is, i couldn't handle zines anymore, anyway.  it takes me weeks to mail something out that i would've had out the door the next day in college - i have become so much less efficient than i used to be.  but i'm adulting in different ways, in caring for kids ways, and my time is spent laundry-ing, and cleaning and dancing and playing soccer, basketball, hockey and dinosaur stomping.  watching her learn to walk.  if the people are fewer now, so are the words.  life feels too full to stop and document all of the time.  paying bills on-time is a growth area.

mashallah.  it is a blessing to feel full, to have home be something i meditate on, and work to improve.  i am imperfect as a teacher, as a mom, as a woman, as a wife, but i try hard, and i keep showing up.   good luck on Regents, 1st semester is coming to a close and now it is time to act.  what will drive you to wake up in the morning?  this is what we're going to write about now.

ms. lauren

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