two down, two to go

two years ago, in the summer, i posted a blog about my son's insane tantrums over inane things, and sometimes i'm amazed that i'm still alive, still breathing, after all 2 and 1/2 years of this.  women have done this for millenia, but raising toddlers is the toughest thing i've ever done and i hate it all of the time. i cry every single day when i am home alone with them.  i yell.  i scream.  i lock myself in the bathroom.  i have sourced a well of anger that i didn't even know i had.  i'm pretty much a love-and-peace kind of person, so to be this short-tempered and angry all of the time feels like i'm inhabiting another body.  i don't know who i am anymore, but i do not like who i see in the mirror.

constantly, i am trying to remember that my voice that i use with my kids becomes their internal voice, but i am angered so often everyday... i am slapped, pinched, bit, kicked, hit, headbutted, elbowed, and stepped on more times than i can count before 10 a.m.  he is defiant and looks me in the face as he disobeys my directions, she is feisty and follows the lead of her big brother, insistent pout on her face.  they will be such a powerful pair in the face of evil and discrimination, but i hope with all of my soul that they use their power for good.  that nothing i've done will fuck them up enough that they cross into the dark side.

sali, your middle name means seeker of justice, so we have named you heavy, with this intent.

nasir, you are her protector.  it is your job to serve, protect and love your sister, and all girls and women you meet.  you are their protector, so we have named you heavy, with this intent.

for now, he will continuously wake up his sister whenever she takes a nap, "wash his hands" for 20 minutes and get soap and water all over the bathroom, and she will forever find new hiding spots for my credit cards and keys.  i am ever frustrated, locking myself in the bathroom to take a breath and 30 seconds alone, but ever thankful for these determined spirits who have been brought to me as gifts.  i hope to nurture their souls.

in memorium of my sanity,
lauren