I have not written much this year. There are novellas bursting at the seams, but I can't let them out yet. We need to be in a new nest, soon. The tensions at home are fever-pitch, often. I am trying to create balance in a place where grief, memories and the present are oil and water. I am struggling to function, and closing down fast. But this is my family, these are the people I love. I cannot choose between them and will fight to maintain a strong bond with everyone, but I will take some space and breathe. I need to grieve from the traumas of the past 18 months, too.
I throw myself into my work, because it's where I feel the most confident of my abilities. I am not feeling like a good daughter, wife or parent, but I'm trying to be reflective and strive to do better. I am trying to be good to myself and prioritize my own mental health. I am trying to build a life of truth, love and community, and I am riddled with conflict that I cannot resolve. If I am a good restorative practitioner, shouldn't I be able to make peace happen? I have learned that both participants must be willing, and they are not. I need to make peace with the open wound, until a circle can actually be healing.
August has been described as the longest Sunday ever for teachers in the U.S. (and some teachers in the South are already back to school). The winds of change appear in the form of cooler mornings and contemplation, which gives way to reading, planning and concocting the approach to draw students into my (ww)web this fall. I read an article about cooling temps in August and although every change is a sign of a shifting climate on which we need to take action TODAY, I welcome the relief from the heat. I am trying not to run away into planning like I tend to do every year, and really intentionally spend moments with my children, provide experiences, support their souls as I get inspired for my new year of work. I relish August like I relish Sunday night leisure during the school year.
We have more than enough and I hope to spend August moving into a new home for our family, donating things that we no longer need to people who need them and teaching Nas and Sali about the value of service to your community. I am working on my physical health, mental health and slowing down so that I can move forward and find a better chapter ahead. There is a lot of damage to repair, but healing myself must come first.
(soundtrack, August Greene Tiny Desk, Lizzo, 21 Savage, Lion King: The Gift)